Regret
by whitereflections12
Summary: There are things about his past he just can't shake, things he wishes he would have never done. Despite the good direction his life is heading in, on the night before his wedding he just can't help but dwell a little on the parts he'd like to take back..


Wow, I was definitely NOT going to write anything this long today. I was, actually, sitting down to study because I need to desperately(I have two tests tomorrow….). Anyway, I was thinking about Jasper's thoughts in my other Jasper/Alice story, of the way he feels about his past and about Maria and I decided to, as a character exercise, write his first time with Maria. Well, I did that and it came out longer than I expected…and I didn't expect to get so emotionally invested in it, to genuinely feel so bad for young, lost, lonely Jasper…but I did, and I couldn't leave it there, so I made it a flashback, and this a Jasper/Alice, because I couldn't leave him unhappy.

And as a result, this took up waaaay too much time. I'm an idiot. :sigh:

Anway, here this is. lol

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**Jasper**

_I slid in through the window, landing easily on the stone floor. She was, of course, waiting. "It's done. They're dead." I had killed 12 newborns tonight. I was, as of now, the only army member remaining. We would start over again soon, as we had before._

_She came forward then, smiling in a way that could only be described as wicked. "Very good, Jasper, I'm so proud of you." _

_I nodded, tense. "Thank you." _

_I jerked slightly as her hands found my chest, sliding up to rest over the place where my heart should have been beating. "Are you thirsty?" . _

"_Yes, Maria." Was I thirsty? Always. We were always thirsty. I swallowed, felt that constant burn that I was just recently learning how to live with. My mouth was dry, aching. _

"_I have a present for you, Major. You've done so very well." Her right hand came down to take my left, twining effortlessly through my immobile fingers and pulling me forward. "Come, see what I've found for you." _

_I followed her forward, down the hall and into her room. I heard the heartbeat, smelled the mouthwatering scent long before I reached the doorway. All the same, the result when I actually saw her was no disappointment. She was a true Mexican beauty, a fact marred only slightly by the terror in her features. Terror I could feel all that much more acutely, pulsing in the air around her. Her hands were bound tightly, and when she saw me, her fear multiplied a thousand times. Her hands struggled against the ropes, wrenching futilely. She was almost sobbing, and I could hear her begin to stammer her way through a Hail Mary under her breath. _

_I soothed her, darted forward to take the hands that struggled against her bonds. If she cut her wrists open, this would be over real fast, and I didn't want that. "Shh…It's alright." I could feel her relax under the false comfort I induced, and when she smiled at me I smiled back. I rubbed my thumbs across her palms, slid my fingers in between her wrists to neatly snap the rope. "See? Everything's alright."_

_She laughed a little, relaxed further, even slid closer to me. "I thought you were one of the devils. The ones they speak of in the streets at night, the ones they say have taken the young people of the nearby towns." _

"_Did you?" I smiled wider, laughed warmly enough to calm her even further. Her fingers tightened around my wrist now, pulling me toward her. This was all far, far too easy. I leaned over her, skimmed my lips against the side of her jaw. An action, I realized, I probably should refrain from if I wanted to draw this out any longer. Her blood was simply too close. "And what do you think I am now?" I unwound her fingers from my wrists, guided her hands to my body as I pushed her back onto Maria's bed, resting my weight on my arms as I slid over her. "Hm?"_

"_I…I…" She teetered on the edge of nervous, and I slipped her more reassurance, laced this time with a tinge of lust. I growled as her hands moved hesitantly away from where I had placed them on my sides, sliding around and up under my shirt across my back. "You must be an angel."_

"_An angel?" I had heard that one before. I shifted my weight to the left, freed my right hand so I could touch her. She arched into my hand, whimpering as massaged her breast with my palm. "Not a devil? You're sure?"_

_She nodded, hazy contentment pouring off of her as she pressed her body against mine, her head falling back to expose her neck fully, vein pulsing under the skin. _

_I struck quickly, my hands gripping her head and right shoulder as my teeth sank through skin and into the warmth of her vein, drinking deeply. It was hot and warm on my tongue, the relief an ecstasy beyond description as it soothed my parched throat. She made not a sound, and I drank until she was drained, her body limp in my hands. I let her drop to the bed with a sigh of pleasure, my fingers tracing the double crescent mark on her neck. "You were wrong, you know." I whispered the words, well aware there was no good in talking to a corpse. I couldn't help it. "You should have kept thinking I was a devil." _

_I heard Maria's soft, high laughter from the door and I looked over my shoulder to see her smiling at me, leaning against the door. "Did you enjoy her?"_

"_Very much. Thank you." _

_She flitted to my side, whisked the body away and out the window. I ignored the soft thud it made it as it hit the ground. She was behind me again, then, her hands warm on my shoulders. "Lucy can take care of that. I want to stay with you." She rubbed my shoulders slowly, hands inching down my back. "You never get very far with them, Jasper."_

"_Yes, well…I was thirsty." _

_I felt the bed shift with her weight as she sat down behind me, her hands moving down and spreading to press over my ribs, measuring the way my chest expanded and contracted with each breath. "Jasper." _

_Her voice was more of a purr than ever, and the way her emotions had changed… My breath caught, muscles tensing. "Yes?"_

_I felt her lips on the back of my neck, her teeth grazing my skin. My hands clenched. "As seductive as you may be with them…" She nipped lightly, slid her hands lower to press against my hips. "You've never really been with a woman, have you?"_

_I swallowed, my breath coming harder, the muscles in my arms so tight they felt close to snapping. "No." It came out in a whisper, and it felt as if someone other than me said it. I knew what she was getting at, what she wanted. Her interest in me had been plain from the beginning. I had been certain, in those early days, that I was too far below her to ever really be an object of interest, and as time had passed I had come to wonder if such things were even possible for our kind at all. I had still felt desire, certainly, but I wondered. Until now. She was molding herself more tightly to my back, arms snaking around my torso. Her right hand pressed against the buckle of my belt and my body jolted into the touch as I swore softly under my breath. Yes, it had to possible. I could feel the tightness there so acutely, the pressure of my clothes almost too much as I grew hard with her hand so close. _

"_Shhh…Relax."_

_Relax? Her left hand came up, fingers tightening in my hair as she pulled my head back against her shoulder, her tongue tracing my jaw. I shuddered, let my eyes drift closed. I had imagined this often enough, as a man. I had been so young, a good soldier but still so much the naive young man. I had hoped I would find a wife, soon, a woman I could love even more than I loved Texas. As much of a patriot as I was, that was saying something, and it was everything I had hoped for. Someone to be the center of my world, of my very existence. Someone I could give everything to, love her with everything I had. _

_Maybe that was why this felt wrong, why even as I arched into the hand that was now unfastening the buttons on my shirt I felt the urge to draw away. Still, that hope was over. Love was a luxury that had been lost to me, and I should take what I could get. She wanted me, and this would, undoubtedly, feel amazing. That was the cornerstone of this new life, the fact I had learned early on. It was smart, always, to take what you could get. She pushed me a little forward to pull my shirt away and I growled at the feel of her hands on my bare skin. My eyes snapped open and I turned quickly, hands locking around her wrists to pin her to the bed. _

_She giggled, high, closer to the trill of a bird than the sound of a woman. "See, Jasper? No need to be so uptight." She wriggled against me, and I closed my eyes again, fighting for a little bit of focus. I had only thought I had control, there for a moment. She stretched her neck up to kiss my shoulder, soft, gentle. I winced a little at the residual pain radiating from the bite wound I had received earlier that evening. "I'm sorry they hurt you but you did so very well. They were no match for you, they never could be." _

_I was used to her praise, and normally I thrived on it. It did, at least, mean that my standing was secure. But I didn't like the way her lips were moving against my skin, the way her thumbs brushed against my wrists as my hands held her in place. It was too tender, too intimate, and I hated the lie of it. This wasn't love, and it shouldn't feel like it. I released her, jerked back to rip her dress in half. My eyes were dark, I knew. Feral black. I shoved the fabric aside, brought my lips to her jaw to nip a little more harshly at the skin. _

_She would have caught the change even without the emotional encouragement I sent her, but I wanted to be sure. I could feel her nails digging into the skin on my back, now and I snarled appreciatively, bit into the skin of her shoulder, not quite hard enough to break the skin but almost. She pulled me down to press harder against her, one hand sliding down to snap the buckle and push my pants down. I hissed when she touched me, her hand curling around me, stroking with sure, practiced movements. _

"_Jasper…" The purr in her voice was back, a soft, Spanish lilt to her tone. "It doesn't have to be this way. Slower…"_

_I shook my head, trying harder than before to focus. "Yeah, it does." I covered her lips with mine with crushing force, gripping the back of her neck tightly. My hips moved of their own accord, jerking shakily into her hand, the pleasure already almost too much to endure. This was, admittedly, something I knew very little about, but I knew that nothing had ever felt this strong when I was a man, knew that nothing ever could have, for a human. It was all entirely new to me, overwhelming, and I knew I could not last long. _

_I brought my hand down to clamp around her wrist, stilling her movements. My hands fell to her waist and I flipped her over, hard, moved back with her until she was kneeling, her weight on her hands, her back pressed to my chest. "Yes, Jasper…" Her moan was closer to a hiss, and I could feel the fire rush through my veins. So, for all her talk about taking this slower, she liked it when I was rough with her. Good._

_I snarled, bit into the back of her neck as I thrust into her, my grip tight on her hip. She cried out, and I could feel the intermixed pain and pleasure in her emotions. I was right. She did like this. Perhaps not quite as well as the slow, faked closeness she had tried to begin with, but that was something I could not bear to do. This, I could. I smoothed my tongue over the mark I had made on her skin, brought my left arm to wrap around her chest and pull her closer. A low continuous growl rumbled in my chest as I thrust into her, my every thought given over fully to my instincts, to the most animalistic form of desire. I came hard and far too soon, my body jerking, teeth once more digging into her hard skin. _

_I came down from it panting, arms trembling. I hardly noticed that I had slumped on top of her, hardly noticed anything at all until I felt her hand against my cheek, her gentle stroke far too soothing. I jerked away. I could feel a little bit of disappointment then, mixing with the lust and pleasure still swirling around her. Had she finished? Did I even care? No, not really. She was content enough. She seemed to have gotten out of it almost everything she wanted, at least. Her palm pressed against my cheek again, and I resisted the urge to either snap at her or pull away again. "Ah, Jasper. Everything is always so mechanical with you, isn't it? It's all military, all serious, all duty. As much as you live in a world of emotion, you never touch your own. You never invest yourself in anything."_

_She was a little more right than I wanted to think, honestly. No, I had not invested myself in anything for a long time. I carved my own emotions out, kept them under my own careful control. It was much easier to do, with my talent. I could keep my own emotional state a careful blank slate, unmarked by anything that threatened to get in the way. This would be useful, certainly, being with her. A good reward, something to do to pass the time, entertainment. All of the above. But there was nothing more to it than that, and I could not bear to pretend there was, even for a moment. What she didn't know, what she could never know is that no matter how hard I tried, my own emotions were still present. Especially those I hated to acknowledge. At the moment, those were particularly loud, and I fought back the wave of almost nauseated sickness I felt at the way her naked body felt pressed against mine. She wasn't mine, I cared nothing for her, really. It wouldn't have mattered if I hadn't wanted to care so very badly, if I hadn't dreamed of how this first time would be, of how it would feel to sink exhausted into a bed in a dark room, my arms locked around my beloved, whispering softly in their ear, feeling their erratic breath mingling with mine… _

_I wanted that, desperately, and because of it this felt like a betrayal, even if I told myself logically it wasn't. That dream was gone. There was no one to betray, no one but myself. And the sooner I got used to that, the better. I pulled away from her touch, feeling a wave of sickness again at the sound she made as her hand slid from my chest. I didn't like the way she looked at me, eyes roving over my body like they had the night I had woken up from the change. I was, I knew, only an intriguing specimen in her eyes. _

_I felt…dirty, somehow. Used. Even if I was taking advantage of her just as strongly, something about it felt so very wrong. If we were going to do this, I realized, I would have to leave quickly, right afterward. I could block it out better then, compartmentalize the reaction somehow. I slid fluidly from the bed, pulled my shirt on and my pants up. They didn't want to stay, and I realized absently I would need a new belt._

"_You don't want to stay with me?" Her voice was gentle, pleading, and though I normally didn't refuse her anything I knew I had enough immunity now that I could, on occasion._

"_No. I'm going out." I stalked away quickly, went to my own room and changed, hoping to feel better in fresh clothes. It didn't help, really. I sighed angrily, my fingers combing harshly through my hair. This was a pain in my chest I couldn't seem to calm, a mix of guilt and loneliness that wouldn't be soothed. If I had felt it in anyone else, I would have said I was missing someone, but I knew that couldn't be, and it only brought the even sadder truth. There was no one for me to miss. _

_Frustrated, I dropped from the window down into the street below. The thirst was, of course, ever present and I focused on it, happy for once for the power of the burn. Perhaps feeding would help me forget. _

I jerked slightly as she came up behind me, her small arms wrapping securely around my waist. I smiled, all tension leaving me at the way she held me, the way her lips pressed against the bare skin of my back. I stroked the back of her hand easily, absently. "I thought I wasn't supposed to see you the night before the wedding."

"It isn't midnight yet." I could hear her smile in her voice, feel her lips turn up against me, feel the contentment in the air around us. I sought her happiness more than light, more than air. I sighed, intertwined my hand with hers.

"Sounds good to me."

"Mmhm." She tugged on my arm, and I let her turn me around to face her, her hands falling to my waist, her eyes searching mine. "What's wrong, Jasper?"

I could feel the edges of the worry she had been consciously trying not to feel, and I soothed her, pulled her against my chest, my head dipping to press a kiss to her forehead. "It's nothing."

"Don't try that on me." her voice held a hint of a warning, and I eased up on the calm I had been trying to induce. "It's completely your right not to tell me, but I know when you're upset. Don't tell me it's nothing."

I sighed heavily, leaned back against the balcony railing behind me. When I spoke I looked up at the stars rather than down into those far too beautiful eyes. "Alright. It's something. But it doesn't matter, I'll be fine."

She nestled even closer, her head resting over my heart, her hand curving against my skin close to her cheek. "I knew it."

I chuckled softly, rubbed her back gently. It was as much to calm me as it was her, and I was certain it did me more good. "Really, I'll be fine. It's just…" I knew that she meant it when she said she wouldn't push me, that I had the right to keep to myself. Knew it, just as I equally knew that I hated keeping anything from her. A fact that she knew as well. "There are things I regret, many things. Some more so than others."

She was silent, and for I moment I wasn't sure if she understood exactly what I was saying. "Maria?"

My breath stopped, my body tensing. She was, as always, far too insightful when it came to me. She had said it so very carefully, but I could feel the undercurrent of malice there. Though I knew it wasn't directed at me, I couldn't help but think that some of it should have been. "Yes." Her lips pressed gently to my chest, and I could feel my lungs draw breath again. "I'm sorry." I took a deeper breath, hurried on before she could stop me. "You could be angry at me, I would understand. You waited for me, and I should have…" I shook my head, teeth clenched against a fresh wave of regret. "I'm sorry, Alice."

"It was different, for me." I could feel her soft breath against my skin, the gentle tap of her fingers as she thought her words through. "Did you know your face was the very first thing I saw? The first vision I had, when I woke up…I saw you, smiling at me. You were holding me, and you had this beautiful smile, and I could see it in your eyes, how much you loved me. I could feel it for myself, my love for you…and I knew that that was what I would spend my life looking for, until I was lucky enough to find it. From the moment I woke up, I was looking for you."

My chest contricted painfully, the pain almost unbearable. I loved her, yes. Beyond desperately, beyond all reason. But I was unworthy to have ever been so lucky as to be hers. I was damaged in ways she could only imagine. "Alice…"

"But it was different, for me. I knew, I had you to hold on to, no matter what happened." The arm the she had wrapped around my waist tightened, squeezing me gently. "You were always there for me, in some form. You didn't have that to hold onto, like I did. You didn't have anything. I'm not angry at you, Jasper. Not at all."

"All the same, I wouldn't blame you if you were."

"I'm not. I never could be."

I dipped my head again, brought my right hand up to cup her cheek as I nuzzled against her hair, left a kiss on the top of her head. "I love you so much."

"I know. That's why I could never blame you. You wouldn't have, if you would have known."

I wanted so very desperately so say she was right, and I hoped she was. Surely, if I had known about her, I could never have brought myself to touch Maria, not even once. Surely, if I had been certain I would one day find more than I had ever dreamed to look for, I would have been strong enough. "I think you're right."

"I know I am. You don't give yourself enough credit." She let out a deep breath, then, and I felt a quick spike of anger. "I would want to kill her though, if I saw her. You understand, don't you?"

I swallowed hard, pulled the sorrow I felt at her words under control. "Yes, I do. But she never forced anything on me…I never had to agree, but I did. And she kept me alive. Without that, I never would have made it here."

She sighed, her hand reaching up to rest higher on my chest, close to my throat. I felt her fingers tracing the web of scars oh so delicately, the patterns already memorized. "I suppose I owe her that."

We stood in silence for a long time, her fingers still trailing the marks on my skin. She traced them up and back down again, ending on the one over my heart, her lips pressing to it once again. "What were you thinking, when I came out here?"

I stiffened, trailed my fingers through her short hair. "You know."

"Not exactly." Her steady gaze drew mine, and I was unable to resist looking her in the eye, further unable to resist the undeniable pull to tell her everything. Even things I'd rather she never know. "You jumped, when I touched you…" I wrapped her closer in response to her words, wishing I could cancel them out. She was right, of course. My mind had been caught up in Maria, in the memories of hot, humid air and her touch.

"The first night. I had come back from killing newborns…" A soft, disgusted noise escaped my throat and I shook my head, eyes closing. "I knew, even then, that I was making a mistake. It hurt, but I couldn't place why. It was you, even then. That's why I blame myself so much more than you do." My voice had dropped to an almost inaudible whisper, a result of telling her the very things I never wanted her to know. "I knew, somehow…I knew it wasn't what I wanted, and I went through with it anyway." I hung my head, the shame and regret almost too much to bear. "And I can never forgive myself for that."

Her hands slid up gently, carefully cupping my face in her hands. I could feel her stretch up to reach, her lips brushing my eyelids first, then capturing my mouth in a kiss that was almost heartbreakingly tender. I responded with equal gentleness, lips barely parting to allow her access. She took it slow, tasting me, her thumbs brushing against my skin. When she finished her breath came uneven, her hands pulling my head down a little farther to nuzzle against me, her right hand sliding up to tangle in my hair. "Thank you for telling me." I could feel it, her gratitude. It was overwhelming, almost baffling. Anger, I would have understood. But of course this was Alice, and she always surprised me. Her love was there was well, strong enough to be almost a physical force, a beating heart of a different kind. It was humbling, far more than I could have ever deserved. Especially after admitting what I had.

"I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to know…for it to hurt you. But I also…"

"Wanted me to understand." I nodded, relieved. Truly, she understood me more than anyone else ever could. Edward had been inside my mind, and even he could never have known me the way she did.

I could hear a clock tolling somewhere in the city and I sighed, my hands falling to her waist to pull her closer. "Midnight. I don't want you to go."

"Then I'll stay."

"You shouldn't. Your rules, remember?" I licked my lips, still tasting her on them. God, I wanted her to stay. If she left, I would only start thinking of the past again, drowning in the regret of it. I wanted more than anything to rewind, to be able to make tomorrow night perfect for her. I could tell her that much, at least. Let her know that my regret wasn't really all self centered, that it was more what I couldn't give her that I regretted.

Her eyes unfocused for a moment, and I waited for her to tell me what she saw. There was a burst of emotion, unfocused sadness and warmth and love. She smiled, locked her eyes with mine. "I already know that."

"Know what?"

"That this is about what you think I'm losing, more than it is what you're losing."

Well, I _had_ just decided to tell her. "And when do I tell you this?"

"Tomorrow night. And the way you said it would have been incredibly romantic, if it didn't make me so sad." Her eyes turned fully serious then, her fingertips gently tracing my face. "I don't want you to think I'm losing anything, Jasper. I have you. Nothing else matters. It _will_ be perfect. We'll be together. I'll have you as my husband. Nothing could be more perfect than that. Don't think for a moment that I'm missing anything."

I smiled for her, though I knew she could see the darkness around the edges wasn't fully gone. "You won't know what you're missing, but that doesn't mean it isn't still missing."

Her hand slid down, rubbed the back of my neck gently. "I promise, I will be nothing be happy. I promise. Relax."

I could remember another voice saying that very same word, but with her in my arms I didn't shudder at the memory. I pulled her close, kissed her until everything else faded from my mind and there was nothing but the feel of her hands on my skin, the way heat settled low in my body when she whimpered against my lips. She was right, in a way. This wasn't the same, this was nothing I had ever given Maria. I took her jaw in my hand, tilted it gently to deepen the kiss. I felt her gasp against me as she pressed closer, her body wriggling impatiently as she felt the insistent press against her stomach, trying in vain to align her hips with mine. My breath came ragged when I released her, her body trembling against me. "You should go." Because if she didn't, I wouldn't be able to wait. Not even one more night, not when she was clinging to me the way she was, her legs parting to press herself against my thigh.

"Yes." Still, she didn't move, her hands still roving aimlessly over my chest. She paused then laughed shakily, her hands stilling. "Really, I should. We don't have the best self control."

I bit back the groan that rose in my throat as I imagined what she could have seen. Her body underneath mine, her legs wrapped around my waist, my lips fastened on the soft skin of her throat… I pushed her back gently, leaving a soft kiss on her forehead. "Go. Before I decide I don't care about tradition."

She nodded reluctantly, taking my hand in hers and holding on to it as she backed away, so very hesitant to break all contact. "You'll be alright?"

"Better than alright. Go. And don't tell Esme you stayed past midnight, she'll have my head."

She giggled softly, finally letting my fingers fall from her own. There was immediate pain associated with the lack of contact but I smiled for her, encouraging. "Alright. See you in the morning?"

"Absolutely."

"I love you."

I had heard them many times, now, but those words from her still lifted weight off my shoulders. "And I love you."

She was gone then, slipping out the door as fast as she could move. I listened to her footsteps recede down the hallway, light and quick. Slowly, I stepped inside the room, shutting the door to the balcony. The hotel clock read 12:15. Well, I always lost time when I was kissing her. 15 minutes was nothing. I fell back on the bed, arms behind my head as I stared at the ceiling. 12:15. That meant I had at least a few hours left until Carlisle, Edward, and Emmett showed up to 'help' me get ready, then a few more before I could meet her at the church at 11. Hours of frustrating waiting.

Still, a few hours was nothing. I would be with her, soon, would have everything I had dreamed of, even in those days when I had feared it was impossible. I knew love, finally, after a long century of nothing but lust. I would spend tomorrow night in her arms, and every night after. We had all of eternity to be together, and I would spend it all making my lapse up to her in whatever way I could.

Only a few more hours, and I would be holding her. No thought of my past was strong enough to make that thought any less glorious.

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End file.
